I haven’t done any job search tasks for a couple days. I’ve had other things on my mind.
I know, I know…job hunting is a full time job (and more in some cases) and that should be where all my focus is – blahblahblah. But, like with any job, family still comes first. And so it is with my week.
You see, my granddaughter has been in the hospital for 4 days. She’s been pretty sick. It’s treatable and she’ll be home soon. But in the meantime, the range of emotions is incredible and all-consuming.
Disclaimer: I know that the following is painting parenthood with a broad, sweeping brush and that there are certainly parents who don’t experience this, but in my little corner of the world I only speak for me and my experience as a parent.
I have always been sympathetic and, often, empathetic. Being a mom is like an electrical current, a cord, a connection that is so deep that when my child hurts, I hurt. When my grandchild hurts, I hurt double – once for the grandchild and the pile-on hurt for my child. I physically feel it. My heart clenches, my chest constricts, it’s hard to breathe.
This was my day Thursday. As I was on the phone with my son, I felt his pain acutely. And when he spoke of how scary it is, how helpless he felt watching his daughter as she had a seizure, I felt all of what he was describing – helpless listening to his pain and helpless hearing about her difficulty.
Lemme tell you – it sucked. Big time.
But, also, there was good that came out of it. I felt my heart swell that he felt safe enough to let go with me. And that I felt safe enough to let go with him. We offered each other comfort and understanding – connection. We connected in a way we hadn’t in a while.
And I was so very proud of him and impressed that he could be scared and could cry in front of his son…showing the child that parents are human and experience all the human feelings. He and my DIL are such good, solid parents. I am both proud of them and envious of their parenting skills.
It is impossible for me to clearly and fully explain to my kids, the depth of my feelings for them. How their pain is my pain, their joy is my joy. I just want them to have more happiness than sadness, more peace than anxiety, more of all the good stuff and less of the bad stuff. I think it’s that way for all of us – until our kids become parents themselves.
And, so, this week it has been important to put aside my need to find a job in order to be available for my children and grandchildren. Nothing is more important to me.
